Tuesday, March 11, 2014

A letter about my wasted life

I hope that you're doing well. I think about you a lot and university, and how much I loved every second of it (truly). 

I suppose I never replied to your reply because sometimes I feel ashamed that I'm not accomplishing all the things I once set out to do. This last month, someone said to me, "You're just so intelligent, I would hate to see it wasted" and then last night a friend said to me, "well, keep reaching for the stars, good luck with everything" as if the things I plan are somehow "stars" and not realistic. At first, both things really upset me, and then I realized, I really have nothing to be ashamed about, and that inspired me to write to you, because I feel like maybe, you'll understand. 

I work part-time as a Librarian. I don't even think it requires a university degree. I love it. I love being able to discuss History and know exactly what the best books are on a given topic. I love that older people who are lonely spend an extra few minutes at the counter just because they need someone to listen. I love that little kids smile when they see me, because I was so impressed they could say "Charity" on the first try, when it's not the easiest word for a tiny person to say or because I take the time to listen when their parents are always in a hurry and are shushing them as if they're some kind of bother. 

I studied photography, and you said perhaps there was a career in photojournalism in my future. I worked for my local paper for a bit as a freelancer and they liked my work so much they asked me to be the Arts and Entertainment columnist. Unfortunately, the company made some changes and they decided to not pay columnists any longer, so I resigned. It was fun and although my photos never really got rave reviews, people loved my writing. I thought it was ironic because in grad school it was the one thing with which I really struggled. I love writing. I still do freelance writing in all kinds of forms and it hasn't made me any real money yet, but I only just realized that it was a possibility. 

I teach teen girls photography skills, in an attempt to build their self-esteem. It's completely free and we just hang out and laugh. I also run a photography club. I organized a fundraising craft show for the local soup kitchen and it was actually successful.

I don't have a 9 to 5 job and I hope I never do. I hate them. They sucked away my soul, even teaching. I don't have a husband or children, but the reality is, must people I've met can't keep up, or don't understand that I'm always dreaming about how I can change the status quo and I need someone to help me with it, not tell me it's impossible. I'm more than willing to adopt children alone if it comes to that, although again, well meaning friends tell me it's impossible.

The point of all this is, my life isn't a waste and there is no reason for me to be ashamed. I make goals, I give them a go. I've actually done almost everything I've ever set out to do, just sometimes I realize it's not what I want in the long run. 

Lately, my main thoughts centre on alleviating teen and child abuse and poverty and creating community pride. So I'm a dreamer... why do people see that as a waste? I'm researching starting a private museum and photo gallery and starting a database so people know where to look to shop local and buy handmade. I need money for those projects, that's true, but that's why I'm researching and haven't started it yet, (Rolling eyes at stupid people here). We live in a world that created the "American Dream" because crazy things do happen. I don't understand why I can't be one of those people who, with my wasted intelligence, makes big things happen. 

I'll adopt my babies, archive Historical photos, and spread awareness about causes that matter. Isn't that enough?


1 comment:

Teddi said...

yes, it's enough, and you are enough! none of it has been wasted. it has all helped you learn what works for you & doesn't. then you share that with others. :)